You’re a Total (Bleep), Dad. Even Jerry Thinks So: A Tragicomedy in One Act by Lick the Fridge

(Topic: Exploitation)

Setting: The Jerry Springer Show studio.
The year: 2026

Jerry walks down the aisle toward the stage. The musical offerings of Whitesnake, or possibly Ratt, ushers him in. The crowd is on its feet making a general ruckus.

Crowd: Jer-Ree! Jer-Ree! Jer-Ree! Jer-Ree! Jer-Ree!

Jerry reaches the stage and calms the crowd down. A pathetic looking man sits on the stage in a chair. Two empty chairs are nearby.

Jerry: Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Today’s show is “Loser Fathers” and my guest today is none other than the infamous, internationally known “daddy blogger” Lickthe Fridge.

Crowd: Boooooooooo! Booooooooooooo! (Bleep, bleep, bleep, etc.)

Jerry: Rises above the booing. You have no doubt read Mr. Fridge’s writing, even if you are not a parent. He is that well known. He has made a living – a very good living, I might add – writing about his kids.

Crowd: Boooooooooooo! Booooooooooo!  (Bleep, bleep, bleep, etc.)

Jerry: to audience. Now. Now. Wait a minute, wait a minute. To Lickthe Fridge. Mr. Fridge. Lickthe. Tell me. Tell usmotions to audience and cameras. Why? Dramatically. Why do you do it?

Lickthe Fridge: Well, you see, Jerry. It started off innocently. I –

Jerry: It usually does.

Lickthe Fridge: Yeah, well, you see, when my twins were toddlers back in the fall of 2010, I thought I’d start writing about ‘em. You know, just telling funny stories, and sharing my writing with other parents and stuff. It was so easy to start a blog back then.

Jerry: Anyone could do it, huh?

Lickthe Fridge: Yeah, pretty much. Well, I never anticipated it, but people really liked my stuff and within about a year I was getting so many book deals and talk show invitations and magazines begging me to write for them that I had to turn down dozens of offers a week. I quit my job and decided to make this my career.

Jerry: Looks at audience and camera. Slowly. Did you ever think for one instant, Lickthe, about what your writing about your kids would do to your kids? Did you?

Lickthe Fridge: Well, yeah, of course I –

Crowd: Booooooooooo! Boooooooooooo!

Jerry: You’ve been doing this for. . . Slowly. Fifteen. Years. Dramatic pause. Fifteen. Years. Shakes head. Rolls eyes. Looks down. Frowns.

Crowd: Boooooooooooo! Boooooooooooo! Loser! Loooooooooooser!

Lickthe Fridge: Yeah, well –

Jerry: No, no, no. Stop. Stop. Pauses. Then slowly. Did you ever think that what you’ve written would have such harmful effects on your children? Or were you just so caught up in your own fame that you didn’t even notice?

Lickthe Fridge: Jerry, they were just little kids. I mean, they didn’t know any better. They couldn’t read or –

Jerry: So, because they couldn’t read, you took advantage of their innocence and naiveté?

Lickthe Fridge: Well, no. It wasn’t like that at –

Jerry: What was it like then? Did you think they would not be able to read forever? Come on, Lickthe. Really!

Lickthe Fridge: Jerry, I’m a writer. Looks at Jerry pleadingly. I write what I know about. And I know my kids. Trails off. Looks down.

Jerry: Shakes head. Looks at audience. Can you believe this guy? Can. You. Believe. This. Guy?

Audience: Booooooo! Looooooooooser! (Bleep, bleep, bleep, etc.)

Jerry: Lickthe? What are your children doing now?

Lickthe Fridge: I don’t know.

Jerry: You don’t know? And why don’t you tell the audience why you don’t know.

Audience: Tell us! Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!

Jerry: Go ahead, tell ‘em.

Lickthe Fridge: Well, they moved out with their mother when they were fourteen, three years ago.

Audience: Loooooooooooser! Booooooooooo! (Bleep, bleep, bleep, etc.)

Jerry: And why would two fourteen year old kids beg their mother to leave their father? Their father who allegedly knows them so well?

Lickthe Fridge: Well –

Jerry: Wait. Don’t answer that question. I have a couple guests backstage that might be able to answer the question better. Come on out.

Jerry motions backstage and two teenagers, a boy and a girl, walk out. The anger on their faces is clear to see. The crowd goes wild, cheering for them. They sit down tensely in the two empty chairs adjacent to Lickthe Fridge.

Jerry: Lickthe? Do you recognize these people?

Lickthe Fridge: Yes. Pause. They’re my kids. Looks down, ashamed.

Audience: What a loser! Kick his ass, boy! You gonna let him write that (bleep) about you, girl?

Jerry: So, let’s take a step back here, folks. What’s the big deal, really, about writing about your kids? Huh? Isn’t it harmless? Aren’t they just words? And funny stories? I mean, what could be the problem with that? How would you respond to that? Looks at girl.

Girl Fridge: Well, when I was fourteen. I had my first date. Fights back tears. And dad was really overprotective, and he had the shotgun and all, and he scared the boy off. Which totally sucked, you know. But it wasn’t that bad until he wrote about it and got it published in the New Yorker and everybody in the whole school knew about it. I haven’t had a date since.

Jerry: With mock shock. But he didn’t use your real name, did he?

Girl Fridge: Angry and with full on tears now. Yelling. Oh, come on! When your dad’s Lickthe Fridge and everybody in the whole world knows him, there’s no hiding. It didn’t matter what name he used. People knew it was me. To dad. Crying hysterically. How could you do this to me? You’re a total (bleep), dad. I hate you. Breaks down, sobbing. Brother holds her in his arms.

Jerry: To girl, with genuine sympathy. I don’t see how you could feel any other way. To boy. What about you? Has he written anything to disgrace you?

Boy Fridge: Laughs. Still holding crying sister in his arms. Jerry, there is so much stuff about me doing embarrassing things, I can’t begin to list them. The one that stings the most though is when I peed my pants in kindergarten and he wrote about it and put the story and a picture of me crying in some parenting magazine. He balls his fist and punches his other palm. People teased me about that ever since. I haven’t ever been able to forgive him. I’m not sure if I ever will. Stares at Lickthe.

Jerry: Again with mock shock. To audience. Wow! What kind of man would stoop this low? To use his kids’ embarrassing moments to further his own agenda? To make money – money! Dramatic pause. Off his own. Kids’. Suffering.

Audience: Booooooooooooo! Boooooooooooooo! (Bleep, bleep, bleep, etc.)

Boy Fridge: Standing. Learning toward Lickthe. Do you see what you’ve done, dad? Do you see what your fame and fortune has done to your family? Look at your daughter, dad. Look at her! Lickthe looks at her, but only briefly. Then looks away. I hate you, too, dad. You’re a (bleep, bleep, bleep, etc.)

Audience: Riled up, sensing some action. (Bleep, bleep, bleep, etc.)

Jerry: Hold on! Calm down! Almost yelling. Hold on just a minute! Lickthe, do you see what you’ve done? Do you see what your writing has done to your kids? You’ve been spending the last fifteen years of your life writing about your kids. And your kids hate you!

Lickthe Fridge: Looking down, ashamed. Barely audible. I know.

Jerry: With all due respect, Lickthe, You’re a total (bleep)!

Audience: Jer-Ree! Jer-Ree! Jer-Ree! Jer-Ree! Jer-Ree!

As if on cue, two bouncers come onto the stage. The music of Whitesnake – or is it Ratt? – starts playing again. Jerry steps out of the way, just in time for Boy Fridge to knock Lickthe on his ass with a folding chair. While he’s down, Girl Fridge stomps on his face with her spiked heel a few times. Lickthe is almost unconscious before the bouncers can pull the kids off of him. The kids are screaming and crying and generally going crazy, jumping around the stage, filled with enough anger and resentment to topple a building. Jerry stands off to the side and watches calmly. The camera shifts from the fight on stage to the audience to Jerry and back around again. The studio is total mayhem. The bouncers finally restrain the kids and get them backstage. Lickthe is lying unconscious on the floor. Jerry comes over and kneels down next to him and looks into the camera.

Jerry: Folks. Dramatic pause. Don’t. Be a loser father. Camera on Lickthe, barely breathing. Take care of your kids. Please. Goodnight.

Audience: Jer-Ree! Jer-Ree! Jer-Ree! Jer-Ree! Jer-Ree!

Chanting dies away as stage fades to black.

Lick the Fridge is a blog by Jared Karol. Jared is the father of boy/girl twins born in January 2009. He and Thoughtful Pop are the creators of The Write On Project.

5 Responses to “You’re a Total (Bleep), Dad. Even Jerry Thinks So: A Tragicomedy in One Act by Lick the Fridge”
  1. Brown Road Chronicles says:

    Dude, you’re “bleeping” 2 funny. Loved that!

  2. Bleeping hilarious, Lickthe. I wonder if this is the piece that Boy Fridge and Girl Fridge will love the most in fourteen years.

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  1. […] post is part of The Write On Project Topic: Exploitation Read the full post […]

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