Flu Rant by K-Rock

Topic: Guilt

“Interesting topic,” I thought, as I slid my finger between the sealed cardboard, pinched and pulled open plastic wrapper, and pulled out my first thin mint Girl Scout cookie. It was a good thing my boyfriend wasn’t here – he would tell me that I shouldn’t be eating sweets when I have the flu. Or my personal trainer Lynn – I could see her eye me disapprovingly as I took the first delectable bite. In my silent defense, I tell them that it wasn’t my fault, since I didn’t actually buy the box for myself. It was a get well gift from a friend. And you can’t refuse a gift, right? Because that’s just rude.

This inner dialogue goes on all the time, day and night, reminding me about what others think I should be. And when I pull away from you too, reader, it will be because I have not been able to live up to your expectations as well. You will tell me that you won’t judge me, but, you will. It’s inevitable.

My therapist says that I have a willingness to feel these guilty feelings, that it’s my secret pleasure. Maybe he’s got a point, I don’t know. I’m sure it stems from my upbringing, with mom always taking the blame when dad was being abusive. I learned at an early age that everything was always my fault if it wasn’t mom’s, and started racking up the guilt ever since. It is ridiculous, really, this willingness to take blame. And there are others on the opposite end of the spectrum, the spineless asshole douchebags, that don’t feel guilty even when they should.

I wonder if there is some sort of guilt yin and yang at work in the universe. These guiltless people – guilt litterers – cast aside the emotion like an empty bottle on the beach. All I have to do is step in and feel horrible about something that I have absolutely no control over, the guilt gets its way by being felt, and balance is restored in the universe. Just call me the giant guilt vacuum cleaner. Well, folks, let me tell you – it is high time to empty the bag.

(Here begins my ranting)

Throughout the years there have been countless people giving me guilt trips because I’m not living life the way I ‘should’ – from the born-again Christians telling me I’m going to Hell, to my mother not liking my choice in men, to my father telling me he wished I were never born, to my boyfriend telling me that I’m not eating right, ad nauseum. But you know what, reader? Advice is a tricky thing. Nobody really wants it, even if they say they do. And nobody ever takes it, either. We all just do what we want. So why does everybody feel the need to give it?

Let’s take my therapist for example.  I pay him $95 for forty-five lousy minutes on a phone session. And there is weird awkward silence when I have to think of things to tell him. The worst part is, he says maybe one thing per session to me that makes any kind of sense, but let me tell you, that one thing is definitely not worth ninety-five dollars. Hell no. The most effective therapy I’ve ever had came from watching Woody Allen movies over and over, and you know what, I can rent about 47 Woody Allen movies at once with that money. Or better yet, I can rent 10 Woody Allen movies and get a bunch of Indian take-out, have a food-induced orgasm followed by a food coma and pass out while watching Woody Allen movies. That, to me, sounds like a fantastic night. Now why didn’t I do that tonight?

Oh yeah. Because I have the flu and haven’t left the house in four days. I’ve been sitting around watching the Food Network. For four days. Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. You’re thinking “This girl is freakin’ crazy.” See? Told you so. I told you that you would judge me. But I don’t care, because I’m just not going to listen to you people any more – any of you. So to my therapist – you’re fired. Writing this has been therapy enough. And to my personal trainer – don’t worry, sweetie, as soon as I’m done being bedridden and hacking up a lung I will get back to those ab cruches. My ass may be fat but at least I don’t need as much make-up as you do. I think I’m fine just the way I am.

Oh hell. Time for another Girl Scout cookie.

2 Responses to “Flu Rant by K-Rock”
  1. aaaaah… thin mints… heaven on earth!!! Don’t be worried about eating a few of them… I’ve been known to scarf down an entire sleeve in just under a few minutes!! Nothing a couple of hours in the gym can’t fix! Great post!

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