Exhaustion by Maria’s Random Rants

Topic: Exhaustion

I’m not a morning person, never have been. In fact, I have a love hate
relationship with my snooze button. I need her, rely on her, religiously
check on her just in case, but every morning I blindly smack her quiet for
that luxurious ten more minutes of sleep. Who am I kidding? I set her for
6:30, but shush her half a dozen times before my husband has to coerce me
out of bed with coffee at 7. And that’s on a good day.

The worse days entail me waking up to my fourteen year old standing above me
citing I have fifteen minutes to get dressed and out the door. Better
believe I’ve long since given up fixing my face and hair unless I can work
that in while I warm up the car. I usually focus on just trying not to wear
the same outfit two days in a row and some weeks I don’t even manage that.

Life is exhausting. On the occasions I dare to glance in the mirror, I often
find a haggard reflection of myself staring back at me complete with dark
shadows that insist on making a permanent home just beneath my eyes, those
twenty pounds I could stand to lose but instead rest comfortably around my
waist and under my chin, and the stubborn loose strands of hair that never
seem to make it into my imperfect pony tail.

I’m not exactly sure how I got here, I only know that I’m here now. It’s
like the story of my life; stressful, chaotic, overwhelming, and exhausting,
twenty years running. I feel like the colored version of Roseanne Conner,
armed with a comical snarky attitude to deal with the pandemonium that makes
up my life. Only I don’t get paid a $100,000 dollars per nightly episode.

Some days are so crazy my brain hurts by noon. There’s just too much to
remember, too much to do, and not enough time to get it all done before
midnight, before my daily to do list renews itself and I find myself backed
up several tasks from the day before. This is usually the grand entrance to
one of my crap-I-don’t-think-I-can-do-this-anymore-days.

I find myself secretly pining for a simpler life. One without all the
madness, where the kids don’t outnumber the adults, the laundry is always
done, peace and quiet is the norm not the exception, and my expenses never
exceed my income. A life where my thoughts aren’t drowned out by the sound
of screaming kids. A life where I actually have time to blow dry my hair in
the morning, maybe even curl it, and apply my make up in front of a full
size bathroom mirror and not the rear view mirror of my car. A life like
that can sound pretty attractive sometimes. In the least, it sounds far less
exhausting.

But then I get to thinking – about my kids, about my husband, family and
friends, my job, my school, my writing, my dreams. All the things that tend
to overwhelm me and try my will and my patience, all the things that drive
me nuts, they’re also the things that give me purpose.  This is where I have
my moment of clarity, this is when I remember that the grass isn’t greener
on the other side. Raising a family, being a good friend, a worthy employee,
just trying to live out your dreams, all of that takes hard work and it is
overwhelming, and exhausting, and emotionally draining, but nothing worth
having has ever been easy.

This chaos, the noise and constant hustle that’s made up the last twenty
years of my life, it’s the rhythm to which I live and worth all the effort I
put into it. It’s the perfect song, made just for me.

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Comments
3 Responses to “Exhaustion by Maria’s Random Rants”
  1. TJ Alexian says:

    I am in complete agreement about your love/hate relationship with mornings. For some reason, I still wake up my 17-year-old at five in the morning, and I dread it, each and every day.

    Your so right, nothing worth having is easy. It takes work, work, work. Why can’t there just be one day where you get cut a break? Maybe that’s why I love that time of the year where you move your clocks back an hour…at least, miraculously, that’s one day where you can almost count on getting sixty minutes more sleep time…

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