That’s How Cool I Was! by Brown Road Chronicles

Topic: Before Children

My wife and I met in college at a Toga party. That’s how cool I was! Some friends in the dorm I lived in that sophomore year were throwing a party and I found myself, mid-way through the evening, sitting next to one of my close buddies, both of us on chairs that were perched precariously high atop a small table so that we were way above the mob-scene below. Between us sat a keg of Budweiser and we were repeatedly filling up soggy, beer soaked paper cubs that the crowd of guests held up to us like we were rock stars signing autographs. That’s how cool I was!

That’s when I saw her, this beautiful girl, wrapped up in a twin bed sheet that was decorated with a kind of floral pattern. I instantly wanted nothing more than to get into that sheet! That’s how cool I was! I’d seen this girl around our dorm before, she was a freshman and I was a sophomore. We made some kind of a greek-toga-ish connection that evening. That’s how cool I was! You know what. . . I bet what threw her over the edge was what I was wearing, yeah, that’s gotta be it! I was dressed in a dark blue sheet. . . yeah, that’s right. . .dark-fucking-blue. . .because when you had dark colored sheets, you didn’t have to wash them that often. Around my waist was a three inch wide black, spiked and studded belt that my brother had picked up on a trip to England. It looked like something straight out of a. . .you know. . . like a Clash band photo. . .or a bad gay porno movie. That’s how cool I was! Wrapped around my head, like a headband, was a thin gold mesh scarf and that was topped off with a pair of dark black sunglasses. I looked like a circa-1980’s Jim McMahon. . . you know, except I was wearing a dark blue toga. . .and a gay porn belt. But hey, that’s how cool I was! Of course, Floral Girl and Jim McMahon look-alike ended up going back to my dorm room for a little post-toga-party-drunken-action. That was 1986 and that’s how cool I was!

I met my future wife on that fine evening of culture and sophistication and. . . drunkenness and spontaneous sex. We finished college and got married a few years later and the unraveling of the coolness began to reap its deleterious effects. The last twenty-five years have been kind of a blur. Somewhere along the line a couple of beautiful children were born, grew up to their current ages, thirteen and ten and. . .

Yesterday I dragged my tired ass out of bed, after another night full of tossing and turning. My back and joints ached just from being in my forties. “I’m still pretty cool” I said to myself. I showered, ate breakfast, gelled-up my hair, put on a pair of sweet-ass Dockers’ style Khaki pants, a totally bitchin’ cool brown pique style golf shirt, a brown belt, white running socks and a pair of running shoes. As I stood in front of the mirror, I had this vague recollection of my 11th grade Advanced Placement History teacher, who would dress like a total dork in a hundred different shades of khaki and tan and brown and topped off with a matching argyle sweater vest. “I haven’t become that guy, have I?” I said to the image staring at me from the other side of the mirror.

“Dude, seriously, what the fuck happened to you?” he replied.

“What?” I said.

“C’mon, I wouldn’t be caught dead in an argyle sweater vest!”

He just glared at me with a look that said, “Dude, middle-age and kids has seriously caught you by the ass!”

WOW. . . I flipped off the light switch and turned away, leaving his smug comments behind. “C’mon, it hasn’t gotten that bad, dude, you’re still pretty cool” I thought to myself as I walked out of the bathroom and readied myself to rally the kids for the drive to school and for another day in the life of a working Dad and Mom raising a couple of children. “It hasn’t gotten that bad. . .”

The kids and I left the house and got into my truck. “Lighten up, dude, you’re still pretty cool” I mumbled one last time under my breath as I fired up the hemi-engine. “It’s not all bad,” I reminded myself. “At least you’ve got something to look forward to… sex is scheduled for next Sunday!”

4 Responses to “That’s How Cool I Was! by Brown Road Chronicles”
  1. Jacqui says:

    It’s a shame you had to give up the really cool gay porn belt…but I suspect you have something even better now.

  2. TJ Alexian says:

    Sex on Sundays…not only is it fun, but it’s such nice alliteration, too…

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