Steppin’ On Legos by One and a Half Men

Topic: Before Children

Before children you would never have contemplated watching Shrek one hundred twenty-seven consecutive times.

Before children Saturday nights started around 9 pm. Now Saturday nights end around 9 pm.

Before children you would have never dreamed of watching The Wiggles. After children you still would never dream of watching The Wiggles.

Before children you drive fast to be a menace to the traveling public and to the police. After children you drive fast to get home because of the high pitched scream coming from the back seat because you didn’t stop at the McDonald’s drive-thru.

Before children farting was funny. After children farting is really funny.

Before children you lived on a diet of McDonald’s and pizza delivery. Now you worry about keeping high fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated vegetable oil out of your diets, but still go to McDonald’s and order pizza delivery because you’re too damn tired to cook.

Before children you can’t imagine the pain that one lone lego could inflict upon bottom of the adult human’s bare foot.

Before children you never once found a stale McDonald’s French fry within the cracks of the back seat of your car. These days you could feed a small village in Ethiopia on what’s living within the cracks of your back seat.

Before children you had plenty of time to play golf on some spectacular golf courses. After children you get to play glow-in-the-dark, miniature golf at the mall.

Before children you were appalled by a screaming child in a restaurant. Now you’re just relieved that it isn’t your kid doing the screaming.

Before children you took risks and lived on the edge. Now you wear your seatbelt more often and go bungee jumping less often.

Before children you lived for yourself. Now you live for your children.

Before children you did not comprehend the meaning of unconditional love. Now you know exactly what it means.

3 Responses to “Steppin’ On Legos by One and a Half Men”
  1. Brett – Such a great piece (boy those legos do hurt – I could feel myself wince when I read that line, in all-too-recent memory. You are also right that it is incomprehensible the depth of love you have for your children–it’s one of those things that shocks me in a good way, all the time. So lucky we can experience life among these amazing little people. -Alexandra

  2. IzzyMom says:

    Jared! And here I though you were just a funny guy. Beautiful piece and 100% true.

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