Should I Just Take My Pants Off and Douse Myself in Thousand Island Dressing? by Lick the Fridge
Throughout history, humans have waxed rhetorical on some of life’s most essential questions: How should I live? Why am I here? Does my butt look fat in these pants? Should I get the white Mercedes or the gray Mercedes?
From professional philosophers to fall-down-in-the-gutter drunks to daytime talk show hosts, we all have one thing in common – a human trait that transcends age, religion, nationality, era, and corduroy – and that is that we want to connect with one another on some level. We want to know that there are others who think like us, who behave like us, who have the same desires as us, and who secretly listen to Abba with their hand on their hoo-has.
But while we all crave this universal human connection, some of us are better at achieving actual contact than others. Just like any other skill, to be able to engage in intellectual discourse about life’s most pressing quandaries takes lots and lots of practice. A few shots of tequila and several servings of loud mouth soup also help.
As a kid I was not raised with any sense of decorum. Thankfully! If someone put two forks by my plate, I would not wonder which one was the salad fork; I would wonder who was the idiot who put two forks by my plate. Growing up with a decided lack of stodginess, I learned about the world through my own self-discovery. I decided what was wrong and right. Some yahoo with a tie, a fancy car, and a large collection of Tchaikovsky records didn’t decide it for me.
It was these early experiences in exercising my indecorous approach to interacting with people that has shaped the communicator I am today. Whenever I sense that someone expects me to behave a certain way or think certain thoughts or listen to Clay Aiken, my first instinct is to just take my pants off and douse myself in thousand island dressing.
It works every time. Having a conversation with someone when your donker is covered in slimy pink pickle niblets noticeably changes the course of the conversation. Most people just can’t handle it, and then they resort to that old standby, euphemistically called decorum and decency, but what those of us in the know recognize as a complete lack of creativity.
Because until you’ve taken your pants off and doused yourself in thousand island dressing before engaging in a philosophical conversation, the real art of communication is tremendously difficult to achieve. Don’t expect that you’ll ever be able to connect with your fellow human beings without the creamy pink. It really does possess the power to connect. If only more people would discover this, perhaps we would be further along on our centuries old quest for truth.