Wait….What? by Jen Hurowitz
I have been actively writing for the past year or so, but I considered myself a writer from the minute my little fingers could make words dance on the paper. Over the past year, I have struggled to find the balance between my snarky, sarcastic self and a happier, witty version.
When you have to actively look for the light at the end of the tunnel, you can appear negative, ungrateful and miserable. In my quest to be nothing like that, I was trying too hard to be the positive, upbeat cheerleader that, frankly, just isn’t me.
I decided the best way to portray my true-writer-self was to talk about the opposite of communication; miscommunication. With the family I have, I should have minored in this in college.
I now work for a plastic surgeon. We see a variety of patients, ranging from those suffering from breast cancer to those suffering from too-much-fat-in-the-midsection. Cosmetic or insurance, my patients are a hoot.
In an attempt at therapy (so I don’t strangle any of them) I started relaying certain conversations over Facebook, on my status. Only one person accused me of being unprofessional and self-absorbed (whatever), and most told me I brighten their day, that they can relate to me because they also work for doctors, and I always make them laugh.
Here are a few examples of what lack of proper communication can do to one’s conversations.
Person on phone: “Can you tell me when my appointment is, I think it’s today.”
Me: “What is your name?”
Person: “I think it’s today, can you tell me if it’s today?”
Me: The doctor is in surgery today, but I can look up your appointment, what is your name?”
Person: “So you can’t tell me when my appointment is?”
Me: “WHAT. IS. YOUR. NAME.”
After I hung up, I bashed my head into the wall.
Me: “I’m sorry, the doctor is with a patient, can I take a message?”
Rude-non-patient-on-phone: “Well I need to speak to him right now.”
Me: “I’m sorry, he is with a patient.”
Rude: “I’ll call back when he’s free, when will that be?”
Me: “He is seeing patients all day, but I can take a message.”
Rude: “Well doesn’t he get a lunch?”
Rude: “Well what is he, a dentist?”
Apparently dentists are the only doctors that are busy and can never be interrupted while with a patient. Everyone, stop what you’re doing, call your dentists and inform them of this unique, super-hero quality.
This next one took place with with one person over the course of several days.
First call: “I have an appointment on Monday, can I have your address?”
Second call: “Can I have your address so I can MapQuest directions?”
Third call: “Can I have your address so I can put it in my GPS?”
Fourth call: “Hi, I called earlier for your address, can you tell me exactly how to get there? I’m coming from Georgia Avenue.”
Clearly, this person is suffering from mental confusion and has confused me with MapQuest and/or GPS.
Having fun yet? Chuckling? Keep reading.
This was a real conversation, but my response was just what I said in my head. One can only dream …
Patient: “Nope, I can’t come at that time, it has to be THIS time.”
Me: “Okay, well the doctor won’t be here at that time, but you are welcome to come obtain all of MY knowledge on your wound! I majored in English.”
Patient: “It’s been really difficult to get a hold of your office.”
Me: “Did you leave a message?”
Patient: “Um…no. I wanted to actually talk to someone.”
Me: “Hi, is ______ available?”
Me: “Oh hi _____, this is Jennifer, and ” – proceeds into long, detailed conversation.
Person: “Oh. This is her daughter, she’s not here.”
And finally, my favorite status. It was a Thursday afternoon and my brain had turned into chocolate pudding.
“Wow, is it tomorrow at 5:00 yet? I don’t know how many more of ‘So what have you had injected into your face?’ I can handle …”
I’m 30, for gosh sakes. But ask me again in ten years. I may have a different answer.
image credit: psychologicalresolution.files.wordpress.com