Warning Signs by Adam Sancic
Topic: Warning Signs
It had caused what I at the time considered to be mostly minor inconveniences. The inability to develop friendships beyond a certain point. A knack for ending personal relationships prematurely; from what were often warrantless assumptions and unfounded accusations. It had become a convenient buffer for me…allowing me to never worry about getting too close.
But this situation was different. This was the kind of feeling that you never believe in until you’re knee deep in it. The kind of relationship that you often mocked when others spoke of its existence.
This was my one truly perfect and untarnished experience.
Until, once again, suspicion reared its ugly head. Born out of insecurity and self doubt,
It fueled all the worst in me. No matter how much someone would proclaim their devotion, no matter what they might do to reaffirm their feelings… I could still manage to slowly dissolve that trust, like an acidic potion bubbling out of a beaker onto an unsuspecting page of chemistry notes…
Looking back on that moment during the early months of our relationship, we’ve identified it as the lone time that our lives could have gone in a very different direction.
No picture perfect wedding. No perfect honeymoon.
No shared moments that validated all our boasting and sympathies for those who weren’t us.
The reality is all of it could have been erased by that “self defeating sickness” of insecurity and envy that can spawn the most destructive of ends to the strongest of relationships,
One month out of work. Four weeks removed from my family and friends, now a thousand miles away.
Self isolated, with all my focus concentrated on making sure this love didn’t get away from me.
Possessing it, strangling it in a hold so tight that it grew red and short of breath…
I find the adage to hold true that, often times, what we dislike in others can be reflective of what we dislike in ourselves, .
Jealousy and lack of humility have always been on the top of my list – yet I often fail to detect it in myself.
I now see the signs. I am able to remind myself of all the pain and chaos that accompany my bouts of jealousy. I try to focus on what I can learn from someone whose qualities I am in awe of, instead of distancing myself for fear of judgment. I have saved that look of disappointment and uncertainty in my partner’s eyes to remind myself of the irreparable damage that my insecurity may cause.