Things Haven’t Really Changed That Much by Lick the Fridge
Topic: Before Children
My best friend had children a couple years before I did. I remember asking him how his life had changed. He said things hadn’t really changed that much, that he and his wife still do the things they like to do, but now they just do them with their children. Now that I have my own children, I’ve found that to be pretty much the case too.
For example, before I had children I used to read to quite a bit, sometimes a book or two a week. It was a regular nighttime ritual for me. It would go something like this:
Wife: I’m going to bed. What are you going to do?
Me: I’m going to stay up and read for a little bit.
Wife: Are you still reading that book on pre WW2 Existentialist French Philosophy?
Me: No. Finished that. Now I’m reading War and Peace.
Wife: Didn’t you just read that last month?
Me: Yeah, but I lost track of a few of the characters the first time through. Just wanted to get a firmer grasp.
Wife: What page are you on?
Me: Thirty-six thousand, nine hundred eighty one.
Wife: Okay. Don’t stay up too late. It’s already 10 o’clock.
Me: Okay. I’ll probably just read ‘til midnight or so. I wanna get to page forty thousand. I love you.
Now that we have children it’s pretty much the same:
Me: Spot loves his Mommy. Spot has fun helping Mommy with the shopping. Spot hurt his knee. Spot and Mommy make a cake. Mommy reads Spot a story. The end.
My son: ‘Gin! ‘Gin! ‘Gin!
Me: Spot loves his Mommy. Spot has fun helping Mommy with the shopping. Spot hurt his knee. Spot and Mommy make a cake. Mommy reads Spot a story. The end.
My son: ‘Gin! ‘Gin! ‘Gin!
Me: Can we read a dif—
My son: NOOOOOOO! ‘Gin! ‘GIN! WAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Me: Spot loves his Mommy. Spot has fun helping Mommy with the shopping. Spot hurt his knee. Spot and Mommy make a cake. Mommy reads Spot a story. The end.
Things haven’t really changed that much, as you can clearly see. I still get my reading time, and I get to share special moments with my son.
Another example is dinner. Before we had children, my wife and I used dinnertime to catch up with one another, enjoy each other’s company, unwind. It would go something like this:
Me: Where do you want to go to dinner tonight?
Wife: You want to try that new sushi place down in Rockridge?
Me: That sounds pretty good. Do you think sushi three times in one week is too much though?
Wife: Are you kidding me? I could eat sushi every night. Come on, let’s go try it.
Me: Yeah, you’re right. I heard it’s cheap too. We should get out of there for under sixty bucks.
Wife: Done and done. Sushi here we come.
Now that we have children our dinners are pretty much the same, a chance to unwind and get together as a family and enjoy each other’s company. They go something like this:
Daughter: I want mine strawberries!
Me: Be patient, please. Daddy has to wash ‘em and cut ‘em.
Daughter: I WANT MINE STRAWBERRIES!
Son: Mine want strawberries too.
Wife: Guys, be patient. Daddy has to cut ‘em. It takes a second. Eat your meat.
Son and daughter: I WANT MINE STRAWBERRIES!
Me: Okay, here’s your (bleep)in’ strawberries!
Wife: See, that wasn’t too long. Now eat your strawberries.
Daughter: No like these strawberries.
Me: Are you kidding me? Daddy just—
Daughter: NO LIKE STRAWBERRIES!
Son: No like mine strawberries.
Me: Guys, you really—Do not throw your strawberries on the floor!
Daughter: Hahahahahaha. . .
Son: Hahahahahahaha. . .
Me: Are you going to eat tonight?
Daughter and son: I want mine strawberries, Daddy. Mine strawberres! WAAAHHHH!
As you can see, things haven’t really changed that much. We still get to relax and have a nice dinner together as a family. It’s beautiful, really.
Before we had children, we might have had a friendly conversation about things that passed out of our backsides. It was all in good fun. It might have gone something like this:
Wife: Are you kidding me? What the hell is that?
Me: What? What are you talking about?
Wife: Dude, you’re a sick man. I’m going to call poison control. Have you thought about getting your stomach pumped?
Me: Still not sure what you’re talking about.
Wife: Did you really have to eat a super wet burrito with refried beans three nights in a row?
Me: Yeah, I guess maybe that could have been the culprit.
Wife: You think?
Me: Would you mind scheduling me a high colonic?
Wife: Already did.
Now that we have children, we have similar conversations. Like this one at the dinner table the other night:
Me: Alright, guys, who tooted?
Wife: Was it you?
Son: Yeah, I tooted. Hahahahaha. . .
Daughter: No, I tooted, Mommy. Hahahahaha. . .
Son: No, I tooted, Mommy.
Daughter: No, Mommy, I tooted.
Son: No, I tooted.
Daughter: No, I tooted. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. I tooted.
Son: No, I tooted. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Daughter: No, I tooted. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Me: Stop hitting your brother with your fork. It’s not worth fighting over. Guys!
Son and daughter: I tooted. NOT YOU!!!
Wife: Don’t. Hit. Each. Other.
Son and daughter: I tooted. NOT YOU!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Me: Guys! Guys! GUYS! Stop crying about it! Maybe you both tooted. Ever think of that?
Son: No, I tooted.
Daughter: No, I tooted.
Son: No, I tooted. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Daughter: No, I tooted. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
We still have a little family fun, and it’s much more enjoyable to include our children in our childish games. Good times. Good times.
When people say they miss the days before they had children, I think they’re just looking at things from the wrong perspective. I mean, things haven’t really changed that much, if you look at the big picture. Which is what I try to do. Always.
The Write On Project 
Jared: I love this post, very true and witty. “Good times, good times.” So true. I laughed my way through this post. . that is, when I wasn’t crying in sympathy at a very true picture of life before and after children. -Alexandra
Thanks, Alexandra. I’m glad you could connect with it. And I’m glad I could make you both laugh and cry in one blog post. Thanks for reading.
Existentialist French philosophy? War and Peace? Sure you did.
All part of the hyperbole, yes? Isn’t any book with no pictures War and Peace-ish compared to Spot Loves His Mommy? 🙂
Eerie how similar your life is to mine…it’s like you are my clone…except you are a guy.
I love your dialogue. So realistic, I felt like I was there!
Thanks, Carrie. Yes, writing with dialogue is fun. I’m glad you could connect. I wonder if women could be cloned as guys? Someday, someday. . .
The good news is, as your kids get older, you can advance to more highbrow reading and viewing. My children, for example, are now up to South Park. Okay, okay, so we have a ways to go, still!
As I type this, my kids are glued to TV watching Caillou. I’d take South Park any day! 🙂
I laughed through the whole thing 🙂 I really enjoyed it! I have been there… heck who am I kidding I am still there and mine are 12 ,11 and 10. Just wait until you try to have an ADULT conversation!!!
Thanks, Shawnda. You mean an adult conversation with another adult? Or THAT adult conversation? 🙂
Great post Jared, totally funny. Don’t worry though, as they get older they will start to interact more with each other and you won’t really even have to be involved, and it becomes even more fulfilling and rewarding than what you are experience now. They’ll have conversations with each other that go something like this. “Don’t touch me”. “I didn’t touch you”. “Get away from me.” “I’m not near you.” “I hate you.” “Well, I wish you were dead!.”
See how fun and exciting that was! 🙂
Thanks, Steve. That does sound fun! Can’t wait for those conversations. They’re already starting to interact with one another a little more, which is good. I’m sure there’s always gong to be SOMETHING though! 🙂